I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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