dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
