Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
