Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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