If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
