Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
