it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
