Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
