Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
