Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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