Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
