Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just found puke in my bra..
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
