I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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