Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
