my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
