you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
