So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
