im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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