I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
