Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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