He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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