I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize