You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
