When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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