He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
