Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
