In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You are the jesus of drinking
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
