my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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