I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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