so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
