Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
