Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
