I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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