Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
