I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
