ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just blew my weed a kiss
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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