Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
