I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just found puke in my bra..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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