do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You can't just leave with hair like that
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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