Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
