You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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