She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
