I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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