I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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