thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
