i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
