Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
