i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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