I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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