So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
