I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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