if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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