she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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