If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
