the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
