Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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