My room smells like vodka and shame
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
