my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
