Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
